The Show is Closed

                                         (Chandler Ryan blogging in Dancing in the Storm)


I am sitting in my post-show depression, as is usual after closing.  I already miss the ensemble.  But it is a bittersweet feeling.  I can't tell you how many people approached me after the show who needed to talk to me about their own hospital experiences and horror stories.  I loved being able to connect with these people.  It makes me so proud that a piece of theater can evoke such a bond between strangers.

This play was only the beginning of its creation.  I am planning on writing another act to tell the rest of the story.  I left out a lot of details.  For example, the show only has one transplant, not two.  Also, it skips about seven years of struggles that Matthew and I had to overcome.  I am sure it will get done though.  After all, my last play, Between the Lines, was mounted three times before I felt really good about it.  Even that could have more expansion.

I wish I had my own company.  Maybe someday.

Change of subject:

I have had many instances of confrontations in my lifetime with males in positions of authority to me.  Any psychologist will probably tell you it stems from my relationship with my father.  It's true, we had some issues there.  But I just cannot stand when males try to control me, how I feel, how I act, or who I befriend.  I am speaking of men on purpose.  Women manipulate differently.  They are much more deceptive (and in a way more dangerous I am learning as of late).  But in my experience, men are upfront with their control tactics.  This sounds out of the blue, but it isn't really.  (Even if it is, it's my blog, right?)

I could name you male after male after male who has at first befriended, even loved me like a father or an extremely close friend and then turned on me.  I have had my heart broken so many times by these men, and despite the fact that there are two sides to every story, I usually end up being pegged as some kind of villain.  I have lost a lot to these men, simply because I am not willing to submit to something I feel is wrong or unethical.  So I get punished for standing up for what I believe to be right.  

One time I had a man whom I had never met (who I will not name) yell at me right in my face because I was holding auditions at a time that conflicted with his play's auditions.  It shook me so much I didn't know what to do, so I apologized to him.  I apologized for something that wasn't my fault.  I lost sleep for days, and I still think about that event.

After my aHUS took over my life, I had no control and I had no choice, but I never apologized to it.  I fought back.  I researched how to take control, I found the doctors who could help me, and I traveled on my dime to fix my body.  It gave me a certain amount of perspective.  If that same man came into my face with the same situation, I think I would have to laugh at him.  You?  Control me?  I don't think so.  In fact when I was at my worst, I remember thinking of that event and wishing it would happen again so I could have a redo now that I am so different.

In my play, there is a line that states, " We came back from the dead this year.  That happened, and it has changed us."  It HAS changed us immensely.  I may look young, but I am not a little girl.  I won't beg because I have more to offer than many people seem to realize.  I don't need pity, because I am actually happy with my situation.  I have seen sneaky sexism at so many different levels, I am so tired of it.  And learning methods in dealing with it is actually something I have to offer my students.  (Yes, the students see sexism too, they aren't stupid.)

For the first time in my life I don't feel like I need.  I don't feel like I have to stoop, and I don't feel like I have to be fake.  This is me, pin ups and all.  Take it or leave it.  If that makes me a villain, then I guess I am.  Matthew and I are two of the most honest people you could meet.  We trust everyone around us.  We always assume we are surrounded by friends.  And we are good to our friends.  If you are taking the time to read this, I bet you ARE a friend.  


                            (A picture from Dancing in the Storm)

This blog has 20,600 views now.  If maybe 100 of those views were people looking in disgust, that still leaves 20,000 other views done in support.  Thank you for supporting us, friends.

On to the next project!




Yes, I am aware of the math problem in that.  I assume the other 500 found me by accident.

Some Show Pictures

 

This was the poster we made for Facebook.  I love it.

                                                                                       
Pictures I couldn't put on Facebook, but they belong here.
Look how gorgeous Chandler Ryan is, chest port and all.

                                                             Pretty darned close, I think.

                                     This is one of my favorites.  We called it the Krishna.

Opening Night

It is late.  I just got home from our second and last day in the space our show will go up in tomorrow.  

It's beautiful.  The show is beautiful.  I find myself watching and forgetting to take notes sometimes because I can't believe it is finished.  I remember when I wrote the very first piece for this show, the transplant scene.  I choreographed it while I was waiting for the phone call from the Iowa doctors to tell me we could go ahead with Matthew's kidney.  I would play the song over and over and imagine how overwhelming it would feel to get the go ahead call.  Every time I listened to the song I cried.  I couldn't help it.  I even tried describing it to a couple of students once and realized there were tears in my eyes as I was telling them what was in my head.  I imagined how amazing it would be to be healthy enough to actually direct that scene after living it. 

So you could imagine this show is the most personal thing I have ever created.  And the ensemble..

Tonight the ensemble surprised me.  We hadn't choreographed the curtain call yet, and we had just gotten through the last scene.  It went to black out and when the lights came up, the entire cast was onstage.  They had choreographed their own mini movement piece with Erin and Aly while I was out of town last weekend.  I can't even describe it because just like movement I can't do it justice.  All I can say is that it was beautiful, I was crying like a baby, and it took my breath away for quite some time.

So of course I adapted their piece into the curtain call.  I love it.  It's half theirs, half mine.  Ok, mostly theirs.  But it's great.  

I don't have words to express to them how grateful I am, but words never were my strongest suit.  I have loved watching them grow in this process.  That's always my favorite part of any show.  This one is special though.  The choreography speaks for itself, and all I can do now is hand the show over and step back.  Opening night is the saddest and most beautiful part to me.   Suddenly my job is finished and I don't get to play anymore, but at the same time I get to watch the actors experience sharing all their hard work with the audience.   It's the beginning and the end, and I love and hate it. 

So tomorrow we find out what the rest of the world thinks of Dancing in the Storm.  No matter what, this has been one of the most rewarding shows to work on for me.  I am ready to share it.  With this production I send any negative lingering feelings I have left from my illness into the universe to transform into nothing but beauty, grace, and of course, 

movement.

Tech week

The show is getting freakishly close to going up and things are stressful, of course.

I called Erin, my co-writer and we chatted about the issues that need to be fixed before we open, and she helped me to a conclusion:

Everything really is OK. 

I had a few reasons for doing this show.  The first was to tell a story.  The second was to teach some students about movement and devising theatre.  The third was to feed my soul.  I feel like all of those things are being done, and that is all I can ask. 

So I don't know why I was walking around with a pit in my stomach all day.  The ensemble is strong, smart, and capable.  And they are doing a mountain of work in this show.  I have asked them for a lot, and they always deliver.

It's a little sad to think that after the show is over I won't have any reason to be at school for a while, but I have some other things planned for the rest of the school year.  Teaching Intimacy is becoming something that may take me out of Oklahoma from time to time, and that is the best thing for me for now. 

I feel like I have second wind this week, and I have to give credit to the cast for that.  Also, my Assistant Director, Aly has been a savior for me.  She has done so much grunt work, it's astounding.  Everything is more than OK.  Everything is great.

It's time to take my own advice and dance in this storm.   

Great article!

I posted this link on my facebook page, but I think it is so important.  I wish everyone could read this.

This article is very well put. It also promotes being understanding of ANY and ALL ways that said ill person chooses to cope with their illness whether it is turning to their faith for strength, rebelling from the lifestyle of a sick person, or merely choosing to live their life to the fullest in whatever way they choose to do so. The last thing they need is judgement. I would even go further to say this pertains to everyone, not just ill people. Anyone going through something difficult deserves the same kind of understanding.  But come on, especially ill people!

click here for article

Show update!

Well, We have choreographed all but the finale and I am really excited about that.

The show is coming along really well.  The ensemble has been awesome to work with.  They give input, and that helps a lot.  It feels strange to write a story about your life,  but luckily they have given me enough ideas that it doesn't feel exactly the same.  It's less narcissistic.  That was my one fear.

The next step is fine tuning, coaching the acting, and getting all the props together.  Finding a bed has been the most difficult thing.  But I know it will all work out.

On the other side of things, we switched a medication to make my hair stop falling out.  It has been coming out in clumps for the last two months now and doesn't seem to want to slow down.  Hopefully this new medication will help with that.

Numbers are still great, though.  We hit our six month mark this week!  One milestone down!  Matthew is completely back to normal.  Also, my birthday is coming up!  I love birthdays!  I always feel lucky to have reached each one.  

I know I haven't posted pictures in a long time, but I am pacing myself this time.  As soon as I can get my hair figured out I will get right back to it.  Maybe I can get Matthew to join me in them this time.  :)

Yes, I will continue to take pictures.  As long as it feeds my soul.

Anniversary

Happy eight year transplantiversary, Mom.  I will never forget the sacrifice you made for me.  Thank you.

The show is cast!

So I have a cast for the show, and we start rehearsals Monday.  I am really excited and a little nervous.  We have a lot to devise, but it's going to be a blast.

That last post triggered a huge response from people I consider friends, most of them former students that I love.  It is amazing to me that some of the friends and "family" I thought I had are actually not friends at all.  This isn't the first time in my life that something like this has happened to me.  In the past I have been hugely betrayed by people I considered friends when I was at my lowest.  I find there is a lot of fear in Oklahoma.  And it is fear that leads people to refuse to stand up for what they know is right. 

I feel sorry for those people, but I can't and won't live my life in fear.  Matthew and I have felt that Oklahoma just doesn't want us here for quite some time.  At first it seemed like just a stream of bad luck, but now I see that there are hateful people here that actually wish that we would just disappear even after telling us to our faces how happy they are that we are doing so well.  I couldn't imagine being so cruel and two-faced.  What sad people they must be.

This show is going to be even more poetic than I was expecting.  It seems we are always dancing in some kind of storm.  I'm getting used to it I think.  We have come to love the rain, as long as we have each other. 

A clarification

I went to work yesterday.  I was so excited.  It was the first time in over a year and a half that I felt so excited to be a part of something again.  Being sick is really lonely.

But then it came to my attention from a close friend that I may need to again clarify the purposes of this blog.  There have been some misconceptions about me.  It surprises me to find out that after all we have been through, some people still don't understand why I did all this.  The pictures. 

This blog is not a cry for attention or a need for rebellion.  It hurts me to find out that anyone believes that.  These pictures have absolutely nothing to do with my actual personal sex life.  So whatever ridiculous conclusions people make about what I choose to do when I am not at work don't concern me.  I am happily married to an amazing man, and nobody, NOBODY gets to come into my marriage and make assumptions about us. 

I came back from the dead this year.  That happened.  And it changed me.  It changed both of us. 

There is a girl in Kansas who is suffering from a debilitating illness.  She took sexy pictures of herself showing the feeding tube coming out of her.  Do you think I am making assumptions about her being a slut for trying to see herself as beautiful in this time of being at her lowest low?   Nobody has the right to judge her.  It took courage.  More courage than most people have.  And I love her for it.

And as for any of those unfounded rumors about me:  If you have heard any, try talking to me about it.  If you actually read this blog you know I am honest.  Anyone who wants to hurt me after all of this must have their own issues that keep them up at night. 

Next weekend I will be dressing as a pin-up model for a photoshoot that is a fundraising event helping a 5-year-old suffering from cancer.  Among other things I have been accused of maybe being a poor role model for students. 

I urge you to ask those students.

The fog is lifting!

So I realized that I developed a sort of depression for the past few months, and I just now am getting out of it.  I started getting back into some of my panic attacks I used to have, so I started on some medication to help with them. Simultaneously my mood almost instantly lifted.  I didn't think of myself as depressed, but now that I am past it I feel much better.

School starts next week and I couldn't be more excited.  The show has a great shape and now I need actors to make it come to life.  I picked the title, "Dancing in the Storm".  I got this from a quote I was told from Billie Boston, a former colleague of mine from OCU.  When she retired after more than 40 years of teaching (without any kind of goodbye or thank you for your dedication party from the department, ahem ahem.) she gave me a framed quote that said, "It isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."  She didn't know how much I needed to hear that.  I was sick as hell, and going through the worst time at work.  Her words really touched me and I have tried to live my life by that motto.  So the play is based on this quote.

So despite things going much better in my mind, I have to report that my hair is falling out even worse than before.  It has thinned so much I don't know what to do with it.  I even looked into wigs.  My sister and I used to make a joke from the book and movie, "Little Women".  When Meg's hair gets burned by a curling iron, her little sister Amy says, "Oh No!  Your one beauty!"  I hate that my hair is falling out.  Again, dialysis was worse.  But I just miss my hair.

Ok, enough negative.  I am getting back to theatre!  And there is a show in the makings for January too!  Matthew and I will be performing in a two-person show together!  We are really excited about it!  I haven't ever acted with him before, can you believe it?  It should be really fun.

Hm...Dancing in the storm...do I smell a future tattoo?