Why this blog?

Welcome! Thank you for visiting my blog!

This is my medical and recreational blogsite. Some of the entries on this blog are honest and quite vulnerable, as I wrote them at my lowest point. I try to keep a positive outlook on life, because no one wants to hang out with a downer, including me. Writing these entries has allowed me to see the world through a beneficial filter that allows me to appreciate every moment I have been able to experience in my life, even the difficult ones.

My husband Matthew and I LIVE when we can. I mean we suck the juice out of life, and we aren't ashamed of that outlook. It makes the bad times ok somehow because we took advantage when we were able. The pictures on this blog are part of that. I take pretty pictures of my sick body to boost my self esteem when I am having a difficult time seeing myself as a woman instead of a sick person. It is how I cope with my illness, and no one gets to judge how you survive your difficulties. So live on, and feed your souls.

Watch our story here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mG_mrDJ10LM&feature=youtu.be


~ Tonia

I have decided to relaunch my Facebook Page, The Beauty in Illness. Along with the help of two other rare patient advocates, we are hoping to include artistic stories of struggle and perseverence through creative ways. Please check us out and let us know if you would like to contribute!




Hospital Me THEN (2012)

Hospital Me THEN (2012)
Dance like no one is watching!

Hospital me NOW (2015)

Hospital me NOW (2015)
Dance like EVERYONE'S watching

Post Transplant-1 Year (March 2014)

Post Transplant-1 Year (March 2014)
Mi Amor Studio

Pre Dialysis Pinup Shoot (2012)

Pre Dialysis Pinup Shoot (2012)
Dynamite Dames

Mid Dialysis Boudoir (March 2013)

Mid Dialysis Boudoir (March 2013)
100 pounds, and a week from transplant, chest tube tucked into bra like a lady. ;)

Non-Pinup Me Now (2015)

Non-Pinup Me Now (2015)
This girl has four kidneys

Thursday, February 28, 2013

New Pictures

For those of you that don't know, my career is studying and appreciating the human body.  I teach movement to actors, and I choreograph intimacy on stage.  The human body to me is the center of my life.  How it is functioning, how it moves, how it feels, and how it looks are all things that consume me on a daily basis.  The pin-up and boudoir pictures for me are a representation of that.

The fact that there could be so much wrong with my body on the inside made me hate it for years and years.  In college, I thought I was the ugliest girl out of all my friends.  I hated my kidney disease and what it was doing to my body.  I wanted to be graceful and beautiful but I didn't have any capacity or confidence to do so.

Then in graduate school, I was taught by my mentors Aaron Anderson and David Leong to really see the human body and what it is saying.  They taught me to appreciate my own body in a way I never had.  At the same time, they taught me how to control my body in every situation.  I learned to appear confident, or feminine, or shy, or masculine, or whatever the situation called for.

Now I teach movement to college students.  I do it because I want to teach what I wish I had learned earlier.  That sexuality on stage and off is not scary and it is not that taboo.  It is natural.  I consider myself a different sort of feminist.  I am a feminist that uses her femininity in a way that works for me.  I am a woman, why would I ever want to be anything else?  This is why I teach sexual intimacy on stage to college students.  I am very passionate about it.  No one is teaching it anywhere, because most of us have to learn it on our own.   I think of how much easier my life would have been if I had learned not to be scared of sexuality at a younger age.  I am not talking about sex necessarily, I am talking about intimacy.  Human connection is becoming so unnatural to us and I try to stop that process.

I started this kidneys and pinups website because of my appreciation for all things bad and good about the human body.  I took these picture because I see the inner workings of my body every day.  I get to see my blood exit my body and return four days a week.   I am covered in tubes and ports, and most days I feel very unfeminine.  It is difficult for anyone to feel confident in that kind of situation.  Taking pictures like this reminds me that I am a woman, that there is beauty in every body, and that even with my flaws, I can appreciate what I have.  You can even see my port in the third picture.








All pictures by Mi Amor Studio in OKC

These pictures were important to me to take before the transplant.  I wanted to have a benchmark of what my body looked like at this time.  I don't post them to be shocking (I don't think they are shocking at all-most magazines show more).  I post them so that we all can see the human body can be beautiful even when so much is going wrong inside it.  




8 comments:

  1. Tonia - you amaze and inspire me every day. When I think I know you to the fullest, you surprise me with your strength, determination and all around beauty. Thank you for being - YOU.

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  2. dear lady...despite how you felt in undergraduate...the facts are your outer and inner beauty were mesmerizing to me. in a world that was illusion filled your authenticity was luminous. often at nu i felt upstaged and not worthy when spending time with theatre mates. quite the opposite with you...i was simply fond of being in your presence for the gentle challenge it gave me to find the openness and comfort you displayed even when being helped down the hallway by two classmates needing a banana for potassium. humility and the ability to shine despite your struggles. christ, woman you were far more sexy than you know :)with love Laura Audrey

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  3. Beautiful, and very inspirational!

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  4. Thank you everyone! And thank you so much to those that shared my link!!


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  5. This is the kind of feminism I wish I could see more often. There is nothing shocking about these beautiful photos; it is those who pretend to be shocked who are bringing an unhealthy attitude to sexuality. My name is Anna, I work for CityRep, and I'm also a pastor. I'm praying for you and Matthew for a good recovery and a long-term healthy outcome.

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  6. Tonia, I'm sharing your link. You're beautiful, and I have every confidence that your story and courage will be an inspiration to other women. If you're ever in London and fancy a boudoir shoot with me, give me a shout -it would be an honour to work with you:) xx Stormy at Rebel & Romance Boudoir Photography.

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  7. “...we all can see the human body can be beautiful even when so much is going wrong inside it.” – Tonia, those words are very stirring. :'( This shows that doing boudoir shoots isn't just about flaunting your skin or for vanity. There is a deeper meaning why women do it. It is, oftentimes, how most women to stand up against their hidden insecurities. Keep inspiring people! :) Barrie@Art of Seduction

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