No one is laughing

Our home is truly broken.  Neither of us can focus on anything.  We snap at people, students, even each other.  Today was horrible, but I said that yesterday too.  And today was worse.

I saw my nephrologist today, and at least he postponed increasing the times of my treatments until next time I see him.  I think he knew how stressed we both were and how it might not help to increase our dialysis treatments by almost an hour each.  But my chest port is starting to get to that dangerous place where it has been in longer than it should and infections are going to be difficult to avoid.

Then my boudoir photo session was canceled.  This was the best distraction I could think of, but the weather was really bad up north and the photographer couldn't make it into the city.

There is also something else happening that I will post about later because it warrants a whole post...and just writing about might send me over an edge tonight.

What we heard from the Iowa coordinator was that the transplant doctor was looking over Matthew's blood pressure test and needed to consult a colleague before making a decision.  We weren't told which way he was leaning before he asked for a second opinion, but we can only assume the worst (it has become a habit for us).  So that was Tuesday and we didn't hear anything all day today.  Tomorrow is Thursday and hopefully someone is able to make a decision and pull the plug or take the leap.



So you can see, we need this to end soon.  We haven't just been dealing with this for a month.  It's been years and years.  Our hopes can't get higher and yet we couldn't be more ready to hear the worst.  Muscled tensed and ready to receive that kick to the stomach.  Or a box full of puppies.  Either way, stop the torture.

BRING IT.