The fact that there could be so much wrong with my body on the inside made me hate it for years and years. In college, I thought I was the ugliest girl out of all my friends. I hated my kidney disease and what it was doing to my body. I wanted to be graceful and beautiful but I didn't have any capacity or confidence to do so.
Then in graduate school, I was taught by my mentors Aaron Anderson and David Leong to really see the human body and what it is saying. They taught me to appreciate my own body in a way I never had. At the same time, they taught me how to control my body in every situation. I learned to appear confident, or feminine, or shy, or masculine, or whatever the situation called for.
Now I teach movement to college students. I do it because I want to teach what I wish I had learned earlier. That sexuality on stage and off is not scary and it is not that taboo. It is natural. I consider myself a different sort of feminist. I am a feminist that uses her femininity in a way that works for me. I am a woman, why would I ever want to be anything else? This is why I teach sexual intimacy on stage to college students. I am very passionate about it. No one is teaching it anywhere, because most of us have to learn it on our own. I think of how much easier my life would have been if I had learned not to be scared of sexuality at a younger age. I am not talking about sex necessarily, I am talking about intimacy. Human connection is becoming so unnatural to us and I try to stop that process.
I started this kidneys and pinups website because of my appreciation for all things bad and good about the human body. I took these picture because I see the inner workings of my body every day. I get to see my blood exit my body and return four days a week. I am covered in tubes and ports, and most days I feel very unfeminine. It is difficult for anyone to feel confident in that kind of situation. Taking pictures like this reminds me that I am a woman, that there is beauty in every body, and that even with my flaws, I can appreciate what I have. You can even see my port in the third picture.
All pictures by Mi Amor Studio in OKC
These pictures were important to me to take before the transplant. I wanted to have a benchmark of what my body looked like at this time. I don't post them to be shocking (I don't think they are shocking at all-most magazines show more). I post them so that we all can see the human body can be beautiful even when so much is going wrong inside it.