Why this blog?

Welcome! Thank you for visiting my blog!

This is my medical and recreational blogsite. Some of the entries on this blog are honest and quite vulnerable, as I wrote them at my lowest point. I try to keep a positive outlook on life, because no one wants to hang out with a downer, including me. Writing these entries has allowed me to see the world through a beneficial filter that allows me to appreciate every moment I have been able to experience in my life, even the difficult ones.

My husband Matthew and I LIVE when we can. I mean we suck the juice out of life, and we aren't ashamed of that outlook. It makes the bad times ok somehow because we took advantage when we were able. The pictures on this blog are part of that. I take pretty pictures of my sick body to boost my self esteem when I am having a difficult time seeing myself as a woman instead of a sick person. It is how I cope with my illness, and no one gets to judge how you survive your difficulties. So live on, and feed your souls.

Watch our story here:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mG_mrDJ10LM&feature=youtu.be


~ Tonia

I have decided to relaunch my Facebook Page, The Beauty in Illness. Along with the help of two other rare patient advocates, we are hoping to include artistic stories of struggle and perseverence through creative ways. Please check us out and let us know if you would like to contribute!




Hospital Me THEN (2012)

Hospital Me THEN (2012)
Dance like no one is watching!

Hospital me NOW (2015)

Hospital me NOW (2015)
Dance like EVERYONE'S watching

Post Transplant-1 Year (March 2014)

Post Transplant-1 Year (March 2014)
Mi Amor Studio

Pre Dialysis Pinup Shoot (2012)

Pre Dialysis Pinup Shoot (2012)
Dynamite Dames

Mid Dialysis Boudoir (March 2013)

Mid Dialysis Boudoir (March 2013)
100 pounds, and a week from transplant, chest tube tucked into bra like a lady. ;)

Non-Pinup Me Now (2015)

Non-Pinup Me Now (2015)
This girl has four kidneys

Monday, October 29, 2012

Dialy-BARF


Dialysis. 

They say it gets better, but let me tell you it FUCKING SUCKS.  All I can do is sit here in denial and look at my life and wonder what the hell happened to me??  Where AM I??  Because this isn’t me.  This life isn’t mine.  Nothing about this is what I want.  I want to go back to kidney failure.  At least I knew what to expect then.  But right now everything feels shaken up, and I don’t even know what meds to take or what foods to eat.  I have eaten about 500 calories for the last three days. 

I feel abandoned. Abandoned, abandoned, abandoned, abandoned, abandoned, abandoned. I feel betrayed betrayed betrayed betrayed.  I feel angry angry angry angry angry.  I feel sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad sad.....

I have to go throw u

(Later, when I read this it is so sad to me.  I was so close to tears at all times that my eyes would water when I was laughing.  This was what I consider to have been my rock bottom.  I was really scared and sad.  When I am sad, I get angry.  And I had no words to articulate my feelings.  But I find this entry fascinating.)

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