The show is cast!

So I have a cast for the show, and we start rehearsals Monday.  I am really excited and a little nervous.  We have a lot to devise, but it's going to be a blast.

That last post triggered a huge response from people I consider friends, most of them former students that I love.  It is amazing to me that some of the friends and "family" I thought I had are actually not friends at all.  This isn't the first time in my life that something like this has happened to me.  In the past I have been hugely betrayed by people I considered friends when I was at my lowest.  I find there is a lot of fear in Oklahoma.  And it is fear that leads people to refuse to stand up for what they know is right. 

I feel sorry for those people, but I can't and won't live my life in fear.  Matthew and I have felt that Oklahoma just doesn't want us here for quite some time.  At first it seemed like just a stream of bad luck, but now I see that there are hateful people here that actually wish that we would just disappear even after telling us to our faces how happy they are that we are doing so well.  I couldn't imagine being so cruel and two-faced.  What sad people they must be.

This show is going to be even more poetic than I was expecting.  It seems we are always dancing in some kind of storm.  I'm getting used to it I think.  We have come to love the rain, as long as we have each other. 

A clarification

I went to work yesterday.  I was so excited.  It was the first time in over a year and a half that I felt so excited to be a part of something again.  Being sick is really lonely.

But then it came to my attention from a close friend that I may need to again clarify the purposes of this blog.  There have been some misconceptions about me.  It surprises me to find out that after all we have been through, some people still don't understand why I did all this.  The pictures. 

This blog is not a cry for attention or a need for rebellion.  It hurts me to find out that anyone believes that.  These pictures have absolutely nothing to do with my actual personal sex life.  So whatever ridiculous conclusions people make about what I choose to do when I am not at work don't concern me.  I am happily married to an amazing man, and nobody, NOBODY gets to come into my marriage and make assumptions about us. 

I came back from the dead this year.  That happened.  And it changed me.  It changed both of us. 

There is a girl in Kansas who is suffering from a debilitating illness.  She took sexy pictures of herself showing the feeding tube coming out of her.  Do you think I am making assumptions about her being a slut for trying to see herself as beautiful in this time of being at her lowest low?   Nobody has the right to judge her.  It took courage.  More courage than most people have.  And I love her for it.

And as for any of those unfounded rumors about me:  If you have heard any, try talking to me about it.  If you actually read this blog you know I am honest.  Anyone who wants to hurt me after all of this must have their own issues that keep them up at night. 

Next weekend I will be dressing as a pin-up model for a photoshoot that is a fundraising event helping a 5-year-old suffering from cancer.  Among other things I have been accused of maybe being a poor role model for students. 

I urge you to ask those students.

The fog is lifting!

So I realized that I developed a sort of depression for the past few months, and I just now am getting out of it.  I started getting back into some of my panic attacks I used to have, so I started on some medication to help with them. Simultaneously my mood almost instantly lifted.  I didn't think of myself as depressed, but now that I am past it I feel much better.

School starts next week and I couldn't be more excited.  The show has a great shape and now I need actors to make it come to life.  I picked the title, "Dancing in the Storm".  I got this from a quote I was told from Billie Boston, a former colleague of mine from OCU.  When she retired after more than 40 years of teaching (without any kind of goodbye or thank you for your dedication party from the department, ahem ahem.) she gave me a framed quote that said, "It isn't about waiting for the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain."  She didn't know how much I needed to hear that.  I was sick as hell, and going through the worst time at work.  Her words really touched me and I have tried to live my life by that motto.  So the play is based on this quote.

So despite things going much better in my mind, I have to report that my hair is falling out even worse than before.  It has thinned so much I don't know what to do with it.  I even looked into wigs.  My sister and I used to make a joke from the book and movie, "Little Women".  When Meg's hair gets burned by a curling iron, her little sister Amy says, "Oh No!  Your one beauty!"  I hate that my hair is falling out.  Again, dialysis was worse.  But I just miss my hair.

Ok, enough negative.  I am getting back to theatre!  And there is a show in the makings for January too!  Matthew and I will be performing in a two-person show together!  We are really excited about it!  I haven't ever acted with him before, can you believe it?  It should be really fun.

Hm...Dancing in the storm...do I smell a future tattoo?