Maybe it's the toxins talking?

I yelled at my doctor today.  I may have even used profanity.  Let me explain.

For the past six months, my doctor has been suggesting for me to get a fistula in my arm for dialysis.  A fistula is like the port in my chest, but it stretches your arm vein into an artery so that it can handle the large blood flow of dialysis.  It is permanent.  I mean, really permanent.  And if it screws up, my arm vein is screwed up for the REST OF MY LIFE.

NO.  I am not interested.  Besides, my transplant will happen before the fistula even heals.  Why on earth would I get one?  Yes they are safer and less prone to infection than my chest tubes, but I am planning to get back to my life as a professor and actress as well as a pole performer.  People will not want to look at my fistula pumping out of my arm as I am trying to play Lady Macbeth some day (actually that might work for her).

So my doctor, who knows I don't want a fistula, mentioned to all the dialysis nurses that I didn't want one.  He told them not to even try to convince me because I am vain...nice.

So today when he suggested it again, I yelled "SHUT UP!! NO!"

...silence...

"Are you still going to try to get a transplant in Iowa?"

"Yes, they are waiting for my insurance to change to a PPO on January 1st.  Then we can start testing donors.  We feel more comfortable with them because they have done these kind of transplants and are confident it will be successful"

To that he says, "No one is confident they can do these kind of transplants.  The research isn't even documented."

I know that Iowa knows what they are doing.  They can carefully monitor my aHUS while I am there so that it stays under control.  Oklahoma can't do that.  Hell, they can barely keep me alive as it is.  Every time I go to OU Medical Center I am much closer to dying than when I am walking around anywhere else.  That place is terrifying!  The doctors are great, but the nurses have made way too many mistakes with me.  I trust Iowa.  I am an educated person, and I have done my research. 

It scares me that my own doctor doesn't feel confident I can have a successful transplant.  He thinks my next transplant might fail too.  But I will be in Iowa's hands soon, and they are the ones that need to have confidence, right?