Let me be clear, I don't remember any of this. I have strange pictures in my mind of coming to and seeing Matthew video taping me, but I wasn't able to talk to him. I remember I was trying to tell him something.
He told me that I started talking incoherently, and wandering around the apartment talking and grabbing at invisible things in the air. He would bring me to bed and put me under the covers until I fell asleep. Then five minutes later I would be wandering out again looking for something. He started videotaping me so he could show me in the morning. I kept getting up for the rest of the night until he came to bed with me. Watching those videos was absolutely terrifying. I had no control over my body and at one point I came out to take more painkillers. Matthew said after that he hid my pills from me. He thought I was coming out to take more pills. I believe he saved my life. I wrote this on the second night of hallucinations:
So everything I read said that percocet overdose could lead to confusion and hallucinations alone, but mixed with ambien adds a whole list of things. I think the combination of those two drugs was really dangerous for me. Especially since I was in control of my pills even after I was aware of myself.
The even stranger thing was that I realized that I had looked up this very information last night when I was hallucinating. I thought maybe I was having some kind of overdose, even while I couldn't think straight. I was probably trying to tell Matthew that.
I know what was happening to me last night now. It's happening again but I can't wake him up now. I was trying to get him to help me last night. That's why I kept coming out. I lay down and sleep starts setting in because I feel druggy and tired, and then the zoloft jump side effect comes in hardcore (they are massive muscle spasms that feel like electro shock). I get electrified every time I get right into a dream state. So it slams me into reality without actually waking me. If I was on ambien I would just continue dreaming. I understand why the two drugs interact now. There must be the two chemicals in the brain that don't go together.
I keep jerking awake. I am so TIRED. I want to cry because all I want to do is sleep, and since I can't do that I want to wake Matthew up to tell him all this. But I don't want to wake him and annoy him with all this. He willl probably just say, "Great, Lets' just try to sleep now, ok?"
But I can't. I can't sleep. Even if I wanted to. It's 4:30 and I have nearly drifted off at least ten times. The jerking never gets lighter either. My body is exhausted and the benedryl is kicking in big time (I took two). Its making me just want to lay down, but I keep getting shocked. It's fucking torture. I'm starting to hallucinate again.
Now I know why celebrities die from overdoses accidentally.