The honesty of Recovery

There are some things that don't go perfectly when you recover from a transplant, and I assume other illnesses.  Here is the difficult part that no one tells you: getting healthy is hard.  Going from sick sick sick to , "Oh! Everything is better, just enjoy now!" is not easy. 

For one thing, there is guilt here.  Guilt that I am not using my time wisely.  I took an organ out of someone and I am not doing anything that feels important with it. 

I don't recognize this healthy body. For one, my skin and hair are oily!  I think that is normal, like for normal people.  I was told that when you are healthy your skin releases more oil.  Well I got used to not having that and now I feel gross a lot.

It sounds petty. It is petty.  The steroids take their toll.  They make everything small seem like you can't handle it. 

The weight gain.  30 pounds is average.  I don't want to weigh 30 pounds heavier.  I'll just say it: I am Vain.  I loved my skinny sick body.  It felt small and frail and I could hide my sickness in it.  People could pick me up like a baby.   I can't believe that being sick was what got me so small.  I thought, along with my family I guess, that I had some control over it.  Alas, aHUS and kidney failure diet extreme style.

I get antsy.  I want to go to work.  I want to teach.  I want to do theatre.  But life has moved on without me here and I can't just step back in.  All the momentum I had with my career before has gone up in smoke.  Everyone has adapted to not having me around.  And I guess I adapted to it too.  I was never a hermit, but I sometimes find myself not wanting to see people.  I don't have anything to talk about.  I don't work, I don't do anything interesting.  All there is, is blood numbers.  Fascinating.

I started going back to my pole dance studio this week.  To do something, anything.  I am not getting on the pole yet, because I don't feel ready.  But I am trying to build up to that.    It will take time.

I don't mean to sound as if everything is hopeless because it isn't.  I always wanted to be honest on this blog, and I have to say, recovery is not easy.  We felt like celebrities for a while there, and now all that is gone and it is just us, being normal, every day.  It's awesome and horrible.  That's being honest.

Making a difference is all I ever wanted.  It felt like I was doing that when I was sick.  Now I feel...unimportant.  I guess you could call that normal.  Being normal is hard, but I am adjusting to it.  Maybe one day I will be able to trudge though this steroid trip and get to the fun part of recovery.

I try not to talk about any of this.  That is what this blog is for.