Finally, a Blog!

A lot of people have begged me to start writing.  I simply couldn't get my head clear enough to start until now.  But when I looked through my files, I realized that I have been blogging for quite some time.  Many of the entries are scattered, and they aren't well written.  Some of them are drug induced, others are just facebook posts that I added.  But I think they show what happens to the mind when it is attached to a diseased body and fills with toxins.  The entries on this blog are unedited.

I would stay up all night because of the poison in my body.  Most nights I would numbly watch episodes of The Office a million times over and over just to turn off the nasty scared thoughts in my mind.  The anxiety comes at night and repeats haunting questions like, "Where is my life going?  What am I doing?  Are people forgetting me?  Will I ever get back to teaching?  What if I can't do theatre ever again?  Am I stuck in time while everyone gets to bound forward with their lives?"

Sick people are really either great or horrible to be around in my experience.  Either they draw attention to how awesome your life is in comparison to theirs and inspire you to suck it up and be a little more appreciative of your ability to wake up every day, or they make you feel guilty that you are healthy by reminding you how sick they are.  I have always striven to be the first kind of sick person.  I don't like to have a pity party (although I do like to party).  So I try to keep my Facebook posts positive so I can convince not only others, but maybe myself too, that everything will be ok and life is actually awesome at times.  Just really drink in those awesome times, because for me those rotten times could be right around the corner.

Matthew and I LIVE when we can.  I mean we suck the juice out of life.  We aren't ashamed of that outlook.  It makes the bad times ok somehow because we took advantage when we were able.  We got those tattoos we always wanted, we drank too much when we wanted, we told others we loved them when we wanted, we took that pole dancing class when we wanted, we made love when we wanted, and we stayed home and played computer games for days when we wanted.  We try to do things when we want to do them, and that way just in case something drastic happens we can never feel like we missed an opportunity.  And I honestly don't feel like I have.  I only feel jealous that I am missing out on the fun sometimes.

So anyway here it is, my first blog.  I have a lot of writing ahead of me!